I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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