I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
