I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
