the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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