this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
