We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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