I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
