remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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