Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
