Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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