I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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