Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
