Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
