Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I think I just sharted jello shots
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