from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
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He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
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When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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