By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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