I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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