My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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