hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
