Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
