Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
