I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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