i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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