she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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