I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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