Someone shit on the floor
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
