capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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