Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Two words: blizzard sex
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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