apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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