His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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