I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
