I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
