if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
