guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I need to stop coming to work sober
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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