Even the bartender felt bad for me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
