Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
As shirtless as possible
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
