Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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