did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
