I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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