Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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