Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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