Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
