Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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