Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My penis needs a shock collar
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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