gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
