I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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