I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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