I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
