you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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