I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
