3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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