i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
