Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
