is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
