Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
