it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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