Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
