dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
