Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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