have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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