fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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