a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
