Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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